Looking Back

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He took everything from me. 

Hopes. Dreams. Self-love. My identity. 

And gave me hatred in return.

Because nothing was ever good enough.

Rest was for the lazy. 

Every move was doubted and critiqued.

Cunt. 

Stupid. 

Lazy. 

Bad mother. 

Awful friend. 

Whore. 

Slut. 

Unlovable. 

Ugly. 

Useless. 

Fat.

Crazy. 

Worthless.

Dumbass.

“You will never find better than me.

No one will want you if you leave. 

You’re a lazy piece of shit. 

Why don’t you go be the cheating whore I know you are. 

Why are you getting so many texts? You talking to your other boyfriends? 

You fucking worthless bitch. 

You’re such a psychopath. 

No one needs you. 

No wonder your family thinks you’re a failure. 

You aren’t doing that right. 

You just don’t understand.

You’re so fucking stupid.” 

Yelling. 

Slammed doors. 

Finger in my face, backing me against a wall, yelling, almost nose to nose. 

And nowhere to go. 

A forceful grip on my arm, driving the verbal vulgarity into my weakened mind. 

Strength trickling out of me and feeding his control.

Leaving me completely shattered, on the floor, and emotionally trapped. 

My reactions seemed that of another person I have never met.

The anger and desperation of self-defense unleashed. 

Tears, screams, and pleas faced alone. 

Heavy sleep always came, my soul and body depleted. 

Routines of survival were normal. 

Fight and flight responses made the decisions. 

Rational and clear thinking faded. 

Triggers were created. 

My personality became an insecurity. 

My skin was never bruised. 

But my soul became broken. 

Stripped down and scraped raw with only a skeleton left.

My heart barely beating.

Nearly ten years. 

Emotional, mental, and verbal destruction.

Abuse is multifaceted. 

Every day its identity shifted.

But the heinous foundation of abuse remained.  

Repetition causes patterns, habits, routines. 

There is no ‘this is the last time’. 

Apologies are meaningless, and filled with false words and fake intentions. 

Abuse needs a victim. 

And the victim I was.

But a survivor I became.